botherd | What the everloving fuck.

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What the everloving fuck.

Oh, Jesus. I always knew the Skins novel would be bad, but I didn't realise it was going to be THIS bad. I just. I can't believe someone got paid to write such bad fanfiction.

I mean, let's look at that extract:

‘Ooh, hello,’ said Katie loudly, tossing her hair like a frisky Shetland pony. ‘What do we have here?’ [This, apparently, is Katie's reaction to seeing a fit boy.]

WHAAAAT. Aside from the fact that that is THE MOST RIDICULOUS SIMILE EVER (can you imagine if Katie actually tossed her hair like a horse?), is that remotely in character based on the events of episode nine? Um, NO.

She clambered haughtily down the rocks to the beach.

If there were a Venn diagram of 'clamber' and 'haughty', I'm pretty sure the circles wouldn't overlap.

‘HELLO? I’m GAY,’ I hissed loudly.

WE USE CAPS FOR EMPHASIS. The 'hissed loudly' makes it even better.

I left Katie trussing herself up like Jordan’s little sister. False eyelashes, cement mix foundation, skirt up to her fanny.

Yeah, no. Katie is classier than that shit.

‘Hey lover.’

Um, WHAT. Can you actually imagine Naomi saying that? Lol forever.

AND THEN WE GET TO THE PHONE SEX WHICH MAKES ME WANT TO CURL UP AND DIE. I mean, okay, dirty talk always hits my embarrassment squick extra hard, but this is especially brutal. I can't even force myself to reread it and pick out quotes.

In conclusion: I'm pretty sure I could do a better job. (I'm not saying my writing is OMG AMAZING, but I'd at least put more thought into it than this hack did.) I know lots of other fandomers could. And yet this gets published! *weeps*

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Ha, I totally agree. I started reading it expecting something, IDK, ~professional. Wow, I hope they didn't pay that writer much, considering they could've gotten much better fic for free. ;)

LOL, I wasn't even expecting anything particularly good and yet I was still amazed at how bad it was. Also amazed that on Twitter, Bryan Elsley said he thinks it's "great"! WHAAAT.

HAHA Well, I guess he wouldn't say it was "rubbish" but, Jesus, have some standards, dude. ;)

He could have just not mentioned it at all; it's not like he ever tweets, and yet he made a special effort to tell us to buy this awesome book. LOLL

LOLLL Yeah, I don't even know. You'd think they'd have some sort of vetting. Like, is this really the best they could get?

THEY SHOULD HAVE ASKED ME. ;)

Seriously!!!

LOL, at least I'd never compare Katie to a fucking HORSE. ;)

"Well, he created all the characters, didn't he?" said Michael, fruitily, tossing his hair like a Canadian Shorthair. "Money in his pocket, swee'ar'."

This sounds like the worst thing ever.

I was actually going to buy it.

Cheerio, Michael. xxx

Observe me when reading phone sex extract;

>_< OMG. OH MY GOD. JESUS FUCKIN-- oh. That was..quick.

Srsly, I mean, Naomi giving details about like, Emily's fucking COTTON UNDERWEAR and Emily's all "Yeah, you know just how to do it, this is better than the time you said vaguely dirty things to me whilst in the children's underwear section of Marks and Spencers," and then comes in like, two seconds? AWESOME.

I just. I can't eloquently state my utter hate for these extracts, the characters are completely wrong, the writing is atrocious, the plot (or lack of) seems contrived and just. No. DNW. The fact that it's like, being paraded as something to be proud of by the people of Skins is insane. It's tainted the name dude.

I'll finish with a disbelieving LOL.

Oh God, the COTTON UNDERWEAR. And I love how Emily's just like, wanking on the beach even though it's JUST BEEN DEMONSTRATED that anyone could walk up and see her. WTF!

Obviously strange things turn her on. I think that could be seen as vaguely in character actually - see Emily and Naomi's first time IN THE WOODS were "people could be looking" :) Bit of an exhibitionist our Em by the looks of things.

Although I can't begin to imagine where she's getting sand trapped, y'know? I'm just saying. =/

Although I can't begin to imagine where she's getting sand trapped, y'know? I'm just saying. =/

*SPIT TAKE*

Oh God, what with all the other horrors I hadn't even thought about the SAND.

I have spent £4 of my hard earned cash on this just to take the piss. After I have skimmed through it, I shall pass it on to my 16 year old who doesnt know any better sister.

I shall paste extracts once the book comes. LOLING IS PERMITTED.

LOLLL, you paid money for it? Honestly, I don't think I could physically read any more of it; when I was reading the extract I had to keep looking away and bracing myself to carry on reading.

Well its my sisters birthday coming up, so kill two birds with one stone is what I'm thinking. I'll have a cheeky skim through pick out the best or should I say worst bits and share. Then my sister can read it.

Ah, makes sense!

GAH. GAH. MY EYES. MY EYES. I wrote things like that when I was 9. Srsly though. I thought people stopped writing ridiculous things when they matured more. Apparently not.

Well, that's a little unfair; we don't *know* that the writer isn't 9. ;)

Lol, well thank you for saving me money on international shipping. After first hearing about all the Naomi/Emily parts, I thought for sure I'd buy it. But hell, why buy what I can get better in a free fanfic (it essentially sounds like a glorified crappy fanfic anyway).

In conclusion: I'm pretty sure I could do a better job.

And speaking of fanfic, I'm certain you can do better, and thus totally should! Like a mass, awesomefying revision, y/y?

LOL I think I only have one novel-length ensemble Skins fic in me, and I've already written it. Besides, to do a revision I'd have to read the novel in the first place, and life is just too short. ;)

Haha. Alrighty then, understandable. Anyway, you've already written incredibly amazing post-S3 fics anyway. I'll just rely on those as my new canon. : P

Oh, Julia. Don't judge me!! I was drunk on boxing day and read Naomily were all loved up and shagging everywhere so in my altered state I ordered this tripe. Yeah. The conversion rate from the pound to the Aussie dollar is not kind. The lesson? Never get drunk around the computer.

Seriously, though- I don't mind that it's very YA fiction- it's the characters who feel off. This I cannot forgive. Like, Naomi doesn't sound like that at all- would she say awesome? She loves showing off her vast vocabulary. IDEK. You could write a better novel. So could Jen (although I'm sure Katie and Effy would have ~inappropriate~ chemistry) actually, so could five or six people in fandom. The galling thing is, this is supposed make up for lack of lost weeks. Sorry, show, does not (they've lost me for season five, basically).

I don't mind dirty talk *cough*. But it did seem...truncated? or maybe out of context it was awkward. And also, not reeeeeeally dirty since I imagine the two characters are rather filthy. If you can't write about it properly, don't at all.

Also, sand is bad places! *cowers*

Sorry about the rant. On a brighter note (much, much, brighter) have you seen the new shot of our two favorites homos sitting together ON A MUFFIN? (ahahahahahahahahahaa- oh, subtle, show)

LOLL that's almost as bad as the time my friend drunkenly bought a wheelbarrow off Ebay. Actually, it's possibly worse! ;)

I wonder if the Skins writers/producers/whoever know about fanfiction and this is their way of cashing in, or if they're completely clueless about the fact that there are much better stories about these characters online. I mean, something like Bedlam is so superior to this that it's not even funny.

I did see the promo pictures! Fugly promo pictures + terrible novel extract = not a good day in fandom.

I'm reading it now (it came early). And I....ok, right now, Emily's in a lesbian bar (plausible) taking coke (kind of plausible) and watching a giant lesbian orgy (WTF!). Like, first of all, no lesbian bar in France had this when I was there, and second- this doesn't happen in real life. Or even in skins verse. And Emily is all like- well I'm gay and horny, so whatever. Emily would not do this!!!!

It's worse than what people say. It's nigh on unreadble.

Oh, and Naomi called Emily "baby".

Kill.Me. Now

*cries in a corner*

I don't care how awesome the next cast is, they have lost me for season five.

LOL WHAT? I don't even know anymore. I'm kind of morbidly curious and sort of want to read it for the car crash value alone, but I'm not sure I physically could.

I'll most likely give series five a go (if it even happens) but I'm not actually expecting to like it.

I've heard from those who've read it already that it gets WORSE. Hard to imagine how they could fuck up a scenario in which Katie goes to hang out with Effy in like, Paris, but there you go. Laaaaaame.

Wow, I didn't think it was possible for it to get worse. And, why would Katie even be hanging out with Effy anyway? I'm pretty sure the writer hasn't even watched the show.

I'm sure they haven't, if (spoiler alert), Effy tries to hook up with this 40-year old Italian dude. SRSLY.

40 year-old? Oh God, I want to cry.

I have to admit, I ordered this damn book. It wasn't all that expensive, and it's for sure going to be an amusing read with lots of lol-worthy moments, and that's all I'm expecting it to be. Of course I would've preferred lost weeks or, you know, something else that doesn't take advantage of desperate fans who are willing to pay actual money for something that isn't even particularly good, but I kinda gave up on that momnths ago. And then of course it's kinda canon, which makes the quality of the writing even more regrettable.

Hopefully at least series 4 will be good, what with all the badly-written books and promo pics looking like they were out on an LSD field trip covering for enough shit already. It just HAS to be awesome.

I have to say, the "kinda canon" thing depresses the fuck out of me. I mean, what I've heard of the plot sounds completely ridiculous and OOC; I hope none of the events are actually referred to on the show so I can completely ignore this nonsense.

At this stage, I don't even know what to expect from series four. I hope it's good, but I'm also preparing myself for the eventuality that it's terrible.

Before the internet was invented, this is how old people got their slash. I had a Byker Grove book when I was a littly that had some particularly, erm, tastefully described Noddy/Gary slash in it.

Cheerio, Michael. xxx

Well, the internet's been invented now so you'd think books like this would have been rendered obsolete. Oh wait, they have; too bad the Skins writers haven't realised this.

Yeah okay it's bad but at least you can lol at that.
But what I hated was Katie, she's not a slut!
In the show she went with two people who cheated on her. At the beginning of s3 she could have maybe kinda have been seen like this but at the end we knew she wasnt.
I LOVE Katie sooo much because Ive always felt she is really the needy one who just wants to be liked, but this just offends her!
Sorry about the drunken rant

I completely agree! They're all out of character, but Katie's the worst. I always thought that Katie loves having a boyfriend but isn't that fussed about actual sex, so she wouldn't bother hooking up with someone unless she was going to get all the perks of having a boyfriend.

EXACTLY!
Sleeping around is Effy, not Katie, and at least when Effy does it its not soon slutish :/
Katie just seems to be written as cheap.
I think someone just told whoever wrote it a few characteristics and she mucked them up.
I kinda hate Emily and I never thought I would, she loves Katie in the show and would be worried if she was shagging around, not be horrible and have phone sex on the sand while being interupted by a random
I shall try to be calm

OMGOMGOMG. I just googled the book out of sheer morbid curiosity, and um, I think I know the author. Unless it's just a coincidence that the person who wrote this book has the exact same name as someone I used to work with. Dear God, I hope so.

There's a photo of her here; is it her? Her website says she used to work for the BBC website, so I'm guessing it's not a coincidence.

Yep, that's her. I didn't know her that well, but I still feel somewhat disloyal regarding my feelings towards the extract which aren't all that favourable.

Edited 2009-12-29 23:56 (UTC)

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